Midlife Crisis at 33?

What did you imagine your life to look like at 33?

I thought I’d be living in a slum somewhere in the Global South. Or perhaps teaching in inner-city schools. Possibly I’d have become famous, my secret fantasy. But I never thought I would be staring at my remaining 50 years of life thinking, “Is this it?” But here we are. I’m 33, and wondering that very thing.

I wouldn’t say this is a mid-life crisis, I really don’t think it is. On second thought, maybe it is actually.

“Many of the reasons given for why we reach turning points - large and small - refer to hormonal changes related to testosterone or menopause, the kids leaving home to become semi-independent adults, the ailing health of parents, the life cycle of a career in which many plaudits have been earned and the next advancement requires massive life changes, or simply the mind-numbing drudgery of ‘more of the same,’” wrote Michael F Steger, Professor of Psychology at Colorado State University.

That’s a lovely, very long sentenced quote about what a midlife crisis could be triggered by. So maybe in fact, this is that very thing. My kids are now all in school. Life feels samey samey. Work will most likely remain the same for years to come.

However, I’m arguably happier than I’ve ever been, feel overwhelmingly thankful for the people around me and the privilege to even be thinking about these sorts of things. In fact, it’s doubtful anyone struggling to survive would encounter existential questions about how they will live the rest of their days on earth. They are just trying to stay alive. Get by.

So it has to be acknowledged that I am privileged to be able to wonder whether this is all there is to life.

Will I be doing the exact same thing in five years’ time as I am now? What about ten?

Will I be living in the same house, the same town when I’m 60?

What good will I have achieved by the time I’m 70?

Whose lives will be impacted quite dramatically by my 80?

These are the questions racing through my mind whenever it’s quiet, which is always, working from home with all my kids in school.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I remember hearing stories and anecdotes of people going through mid-life crises and getting sports cars to feel young again. Or taking up new hobbies. Or getting botox. Or having affairs. Or going on trips. To cope with the boring, add in flare.

And I get that, well – not the affairs. But I get that it would be easy to just pacify the emotion by adding stuff in. Does that work? Maybe for some?

But that isn’t what I’m looking for or craving, not for me at least. I want my life to be meaningful, to emit love that propels change. Not a life of discontent buried in shiny new things.

And at the moment, I don’t feel like that’s what is happening. Life feels a bit like a rollercoaster. Exciting at times. But I know each turn, each drop. Bit samey.

Do you know the spiral of introspection? It starts off tiny, a little wind picking up and swirling. But the longer it continues, it gains speed and transforms into an enveloping tornado. That introspection that’s gotten out of hand. Something I’m very guilty of.

So to reel it back in, I started looking at things a bit more logically, reading thoughts from very smart people.

What we’re talking about is the meaning of life, which really, is a question of purpose, our commitment to pursue very long-term goals that are deeply important to us, and organize our choices and actions in life.

To rediscover purpose, the professor I quoted at the beginning, Steger, has suggested a few little steps:

-Figure out who you are. Pause and reflect on your values and what gives you joy.

-Protect the sense that your life has value. Take time to think about how your life is significant to those around you.

-Give time and energy to the dreams that are really important to you. “To my mind, the best purposes are not strictly attainable,” Steger said. “They aren’t dull items on a checklist to be ticked off and forgotten. They are dreams so important that simply working toward them is important and fulfilling. With purposes like these, it doesn’t matter how many years any of us have left; all of them can be infused with our pursuit of purpose.”

When Steger asked his connections about purpose after 50 (50!!!! I’m only 33 - maybe I shouldn’t be feeling these things for another 17 years!), two primary themes came to the surface: a re-examination of whether the systems lived by were still working, and the turning away from financial incentives to turn toward helping others. When they did those things, they felt purpose was restored.

“No matter how old you are, it does seem vital to regularly ask whether you are truly doing what you want and what you could do with your life,” Steger said.

Apparently then, I’m on the right track, by asking the question about life’s meaning. But rather than asking and getting swallowed in navel-gazing introspection, I can use the answer as a catalyst for steps towards that purpose, that meaning.

And just like that, you’ve entered my mind and exited again. I’d love to hear from you, especially if you have ever felt similarly.