I’m Anxious Attached. Here’s How It Impacts My Friendships.

In the throws of summer holidays over here in Wales. I mostly love it, some days I don’t. Having very little time to myself has meant all my writing time has gone to paid jobs, which isn’t this newsletter (unless you’d like to support me!).

But I’ve given the kids a lazy tech-filled day, and really wanted to write about how I can be as a friend, as an anxiously attached friend.

What is Attachment Theory?

First off, if you don’t know what Attachment Theory is, let me give you the dumbed down version, the only version I know.

The theory originated from psychoanalyst John Bowlby and examines the relationship between a child and their parent or primary caregiver, and explains how a child’s attachment to their parent or caregiver impacts the child’s behaviour in other relationships in life, such as partnership or friendship.

There are three main styles: anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), and secure.

“During the formative years, children develop mental representations of themselves and others,” said Brooke Feeney, PhD, psychology professor at Carnegie Mellon University. “They develop beliefs about whether they are worthy of love, attention, support, and protection. And they develop beliefs about whether other people can be depended and relied upon.”

During the first months and years of life, children learn what to expect from others, and they reach important conclusions about themselves. These beliefs become central components of personality and guides interactions with others.

How does attachment style impact friendships?

These early formed attachment bonds with primary caregivers can then be formed other relationships later in life. Pop psychology includes lots of information on how these attachment styles impact romantic relationships, but what about friendships?

“Attachment theory absolutely applies to friendships,” Jo Mueller, a clinical psychologist, told me. “Our attachment style is like a blueprint that unconsciously helps us navigate relationships with others, and friendships are an important type of relationship throughout our lives.”

But since friendships are a little less “emotionally charged” or “intense” than romantic relationships, Jo said we may not see many obvious signs of out attachment style until a bump in the friendship road.

But these attachment styles definitely still show up in friendships, maybe just not as pronounced as in monogamous romantic relationships.

For me, my anxious attached bond shows up often.

I’m anxious attached. What does that mean for friendship?

Since I learned about Attachment Theory, I knew I was anxiously attached. I’m worried about being abandoned or disliked and spend a lot of time trying to keep people close in case they leave, leaving me alone.

It has played out in my marriage, but recently, I’ve understood how it impacts my friendships.

“If you are “anxiously attached” your underlying belief about others is that they might leave you,” Jo said. “When a challenge occurs in a friendship with an anxiously attached person, they might look for reassurance or validation, and seek proximity either physically or via messages.”

She continued saying that this type of person is likely to be hypervigilant to the behaviour and emotional state of others, as this can seem to be a signal of how others perceive them, and whether the friendship will last. 

I can’t remember a close friendship I’ve had where I haven’t sent a text that reads something like: “Just checking – are we okay?”

Clicking send on that text would have been the peak of a culmination of worry-filled nights.

I haven’t heard from her in a few weeks. Why hasn’t she responded to my text from the beginning of the week? I wonder if I said the wrong thing when we spoke last.

Anxious. Attached. Worried she will leave me. If she leaves me, what does that say about who I am? How will I cope without her?

Before my desperate “is-everything-okay” text, I might have asked her for several coffees or walks. She might have said no lots of times, because most of the women I know are crazy busy. But when she says she can’t meet up, all I hear is rejection. So I work harder. I send more invites. Check in about her week.

It all sounds stalkerish. I don’t think it comes across that way, but I’m sure it comes across as pretty needy, maybe at times overwhelming.

The thing is, I do it because friendship is so incredibly important to me. Loyalty is perhaps one of the most valuable traits of friendships, to me.

And I hope the positive side of my anxiously attached style is that I am that – loyal.

But it has a dark side, both for me and my friends.

Like I said before, my stomach often churns when I feel like a friendship isn’t doing well. And what I mean by well is that I’m not seeing her often, consistent. I think about it on repeat, dissecting what could be going wrong and why. I dream about it – dream about it!

If I haven’t heard back from someone in while, I think – well, I guess she doesn’t want to be friends. If she isn’t going to make the effort I’m making, I suppose she just doesn’t value this friendship enough. If she doesn’t want to be friends with me, then I’ll step away. I won’t continue to feel unwanted. To protect myself, I put up barriers. I don’t get in touch with her. I don’t make an effort. Because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to feel the pang of rejection.

And sometimes, friendships of mine have ended on this note, with me giving up on them because I don’t want to risk feeling unwanted.

Hope when we see how out attachment style impacts friendships?

Since I know that kind of attachment style I am, I’m one step closer to making sure the downsides of that style don’t ruin my friendships.

“Understanding your attachment style, and your thoughts, feelings and behaviours when things get sticky in your friendships, is always the first step,” she said. “Mapping out these patterns visually can be really helpful in seeing what happens for you and how it may have led to repeated cycles in your relationships.”

She said it could be helpful to map out where the pattern came from and practice compassion for yourself.

And while seeing a qualified psychologist or therapist would be an ideal next step, she also talked to me about assertive yet vulnerable communication, self-soothing techniques when the nervous system is activated, the building up of self-worth, and boundaries around needs and wants.

“It’s important to remember that, contrary to what was previously believed, our attachment style is not set in stone from childhood, and can wax and wane,” she concluded.

My takeaway?

I really do probably need therapy (the money is putting me off!), a good dose of self-compassion, and a deep breath before assuming what friends of mine are thinking and feeling.

I’d love to here about how your attachment style (if you know it) impacts your friendships, in a challenging or beneficial way. So do comment!