When we first started having kids, I always thought how cheap having kids was. As long as you have a car seat, cot, highchair, and a couple of toys, you’re good to go. Money shouldn’t even be a consideration when it came to having kids.
Clearly, I wasn’t educated or socialised enough to take into account that millions of working mothers in the UK were struggling to also pay for extortionate prices of childcare. For all the working mums out there (which I hadn’t been having most of my kids), I’m sorry if I ever told you having children was cheap.
However, for us, having babies was in fact, pretty inexpensive.
In my naivety, I didn’t think that kids actually do grow up and want specific clothes (Sketchers and gaming clothes), food (brand name snacks), and extracurricular activities.
Football. Climbing. Swimming. Karate. Beavers. Arcades. Soft Plays. Cinema. Rugby. Dance. Drama. Boxing. Sailing. Gymnastics. Piano. Shopping. Cooking. Art. ICT. Tennis. And the list continues.
Now, we haven’t signed our kids up for all those activities, but those are the ones readily available in the area we live. The world is your oyster when it comes to making them into well-rounded children with plenty of choice and hope for their future endeavors.
At the moment, we have football on Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other Sunday. Climbing is on a Saturday. It feels doable, and we all feel quite contented.
Until I start to hear about what other families do. Most weeknights are spent on the road, dropping off, waiting, and picking up for kids’ activities.
It sounds like torture to me. The thought of being out all the time stresses me out. Maybe because I’m a massive home bird who loves chilling. I even try to push this on to the boys. “We all do love a chill, don’t we? To come home and just veg out after a full day of work and school?” Blank stares, sometimes a nod of agreement.
But seriously, the stress of getting three little humans in and out of the car to go to an activity each afternoon of the week is just too much.
And yet. How will they learn to start fires on a campsite if they don’t go to Beavers? How are they going to stay alive in the pool without swim lessons? How will they learn to defend themselves without boxing? How will they express themselves without drama? How will their inner musician ever be released without piano?
I’m genuinely concerned sometimes, and work myself into a frantic state, thinking I am being selfish by denying them some of these activities. That I am hindering them from necessary, and if not necessary, very important life opportunities by not letting them go to everything available.
Plus, we often just come home from school and they veg out on tablets and crisps as I finish off left over bits of work. I could be harnessing the next Mozart in the name of rest!
You can’t deny it (okay maybe you can!) – extracurriculars are good. They keep kids away from screens and introduce them to unknown worlds. They teach social skills and teamwork and develop new pathways in the brain. And they’re fun. And I hope they will keep them out of trouble (drugs) as they get older. They are goooood.
But I’m a big believer in that they can become too much, for both children and parents.
For kids. They are kids. Tiny little human beings! And I’ve noticed mine need downtime. School zaps their mental and social capacity, and they often just need to crash. But that’s just my kids. Every family is different.
However, there is a study I’ve read that too many extracurricular activities could do more harm than good. So, I suppose worth considering.
A journalist friend of mine cited a good list of questions from a parenting coach to ask regarding scheduling.
Are there aspects of your child’s life that are being negatively impacted by their extracurricular activities?
Are they having difficulty keeping up with their homework?
Are they missing spending dinner or other family time together?
Have their friendships suffered?
Are they excessively tired or unable to get an adequate amount of sleep at night?
Are they neglecting themselves or other activities because of a lack of time?
Are you noticing multiple signs of stress as their activities increase, like elevated levels of agitation, muscle tension and pain, low energy, insomnia, teeth grinding, increased moodiness or a significant change in their appetite (either over- or under-eating)?
If you answer yes to one of these questions, could be a good idea to see if anything needs to shift, according to this parenting coach.
I also think it is good for my kids to be bored. They often tell me they’re bored, very often, very very often. And I tell them to find something to do. Read a book. Play a game. Jump on the trampoline. Draw.
And they go away, ignore my suggestions, and find something totally random to do instead because their imaginations have been stretched with utter boredom. Parental laziness or genius? You decide.
What about the toll on parents, all this rushing about?
Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m not a very pleasant person when the family schedule is non-stop. I feel stressed, and I usually take that out on the people closest to me, the very people I was rushing around to please and make happy.
Although as a parent, I want to make my kids a huge priority, I have to gauge if I can physically and mentally keep up, while staying sane, present, and kind to my children. I don’t think that’s selfish, it’s honest.
Plus, we don’t have to keep up with everyone. We have to do what is right for our own families. And that might look like doing a lot less.
But here’s the thing, if we (me) aren’t going to be running the roads every day after school, that leaves me with more time with the kids. And do you know what I often do? Flick on my bloody phone. It’s something I want to work on. When they are with me, I want to be present for them. To talk about whatever they fancy (football at the minute), play board games (Guess Who), and eat together (cereal and cheese on toast are the favourites).
BUT I AM NOT EVERY PARENT. And would never in a million years tell another parent what to do. But hopefully, you’ve had a little glimpse into my thinking process. Because I knewwww you were just wondering. You just HAD to know.
All my love. PS. I just paid an extortionate amount for them to have a one-to-two swim lesson. Kids are expensive. I stand corrected.
Loved this once again! I've got all this to come and I'm already feeling a little like you. What will she like? What *should* she be doing? What if we can't afford it when the time comes? Mind-bending.
P.S. I thought babies / kids were inexpensive too ;)