Pursuit of (what exactly?)
Growing up in church, contentment was a word thrown around a lot because the bible directly mentions it as something to aspire to. “Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.”
In response, I told myself to be content whenever I didn’t have something I wanted. A boyfriend? Be content. New shoes? Be content. A body without baby fat? Be content. Be content. Be content. And yet, telling myself to be content never actually made me content, but only led me to feel shame and guilt that I wasn’t content.
Boring definition of contented: feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation.
I wonder if that definition can be elaborated on.
I recently read an article from a researcher who studied a remote group of nomads in the Himalayas of Eastern Bhutan. It was a settlement of 200 families who had never had any contact with the outside world. The researcher and his team found this group of people to highly value contentment above all other emotions. A translator said the word used to describe this feeling was chokkshay – ‘the knowledge of enough’. Their lives were committed to cultivating an acceptance of themselves and their situations, rather than a striving for more.
In developed countries, there is no way someone would observe a generalised culture of contentment. Rather, they would observe people striving for happiness. That’s me. I’ve spent years telling my boys that all I want for them is to happy. Because happiness is what I want. It’s nice to feel happy.
But what happens when we don’t feel happy? Well, in my case, I fall apart and believe the world is ending. If I’m not validated, not successful, not in control, then I’m not happy. So I employ the ‘more strategy’ and figure out what more I can do or get to restore happiness. I may get what I need to feel happy again, but the minute I do, I feel the emotion start to deplete, knowing full well I will need another hit of ‘more’ to restore my happiness high soon.
To pursue happiness is a constant race, and frankly, I often feel I can’t run it. Burning out trying to decorate my house better, advance in the journalism world, keep my body in tip-top shape, entertain the kids, have a perfect marriage, make lots of friends. All things that make me happy once I have them, but does the striving for them only create unhappiness?
Is this getting too introspective?
So perhaps, contentment is the emotion to practice. Held together. Intact. Whole. Instead of a quest for something greater, better, more – a quest for satisfaction with things as they are now.
It’s what psychologists seem to think is the way forward. It’s what mindfulness teaches. It’s what researchers say defined many ancient cultures.
But if I’m honest, I can’t see how it’s feasible all the time. How are we supposed to be satisfied when things are not as we want them? Wouldn’t that hold us back from new experiences? Personal improvement? Would it dissuade social justice? Keep us from something we would truly love to have? Halt innovation?
I like the idea of contentment, but if humans are meant to evolve by nature, should it be a blanket rule for all mankind? To remain as we are and be satisfied with whatever that looks like?
Would it be better to endeavour for acceptance? I accept there are things happening right now I can and can’t change. I accept I feel a range of emotions, ones that are both pleasurable and painful. I accept this as my reality at this present moment.
Let’s bring it into real life with an example. This is just something minor, nothing like the struggles so many are facing.
Eleven years ago, I moved to the UK to get married. I love my husband. I love my three kids. So very much. But I really miss the ease of seeing my family. Sometimes, I get scared about the future of how to care for my parents as they age. I feel guilty that my boys don’t get to just pop into their grandparents for Sunday lunch. I hate it costs thousands for us to visit them, for them to visit us. I’m not content with the situation. But I accept that this is the position we are in, even if I don’t like it. This is how it is.
Just acknowledging the feelings gives me a bit of a release. Eases the acute emotion of disappointment I don’t enjoy experiencing.
Once I’ve accepted the circumstance and emotion, I can work out if there is anything within my control to change. I can’t move back (I suppose I could but for lots of reasons – not an option right now). But I can plan phone calls around time zones. I can send lots of pictures and videos to include my family in our lives. I can make visits special.
So see. I’m not content. Not happy with the situation. Feel quite uncomfortable with the emotions. But I’ve accepted that this is how it is, with all its messiness.
All a bit of a rant really! What do you think on the pursuit of happiness, contentment, acceptance? Agree or disagree? Have further thoughts! Do say!