on: Hello Obsession
photo credit: David Limrite
Oh, Obsession. I’m glad I can finally identify you. For the past few weeks, I have felt a compulsive pounding racketing through my mind. Beating. Thrashing. Churning. Unable to rest. Failure to think about anything else. I should have recognised you sooner.
When I was a kid, you showed up in school. I had to be the best. Slaving away and perfecting my knowledge, aiming to rise to the top of the class. I vividly remember being seven years old and receiving a failing grade on a quiz. Mortification rained over me. Tears welled in my eyes. I had failed to be the best. As I moved through grades, you pushed me to perfection. Waking with the dawn to memorise and practice and study. Gathering people to rehearse facts and quiz each other on dates. Your efforts nearly always paid off when I received As and acclamation. You drove me to excellence.
As the terrible teen phase ensued, you fuelled a social maniac. You exploited my love of people for your own advantages – making them commodities to be won. I had to perform well to maintain friendships. I had to be loved, and to be loved, required fanatic effort. Showing up to social events, joining clubs, planning parties, attending sleepovers, playing sports. Everyone had to like me; must like me. You drove me to people-pleasing.
Fast forward to marriage. I had never been a wife before, at a young age of only 23. Never had a serious relationship before. You flew in to save the day. I enthusiastically flipped through books and blogs that taught me how to be a good “wifey wife”. Womanhood became defined as supportive, hospitable, baby-caring, selfless, sexually appealing, house tidying, and graceful. Expectations you heaped upon me, even though my new husband simply wanted a best friend and lover. You drove me to patriarchy.
And recently, you have reintroduced yourself. I found a new hobby, writing for publications. At first, it was just that – a hobby. Having my own words appear in a newspaper made my heart race. Until you slyly stole it from me. You have meddled with my interest and created a monster that must be fed, all the time. You drove me to undue stress.
You drove me expect “perfection” of my body, my food, my house, my husband, my kids, my work, my hobbies, my beliefs, my friendships, my service. Obsession, you have not let my mind or body rest.
And I thank you. You have propelled me into experiences that I couldn’t have had without your persistence. Given me guts to try for the impossible, sometimes making a fool of myself.
But right now, I can’t handle you. You are sucking the life out of me. My mind is exhausted – so much so that my stomach is aching, and my head needs painkillers. My hobbies have taken a backseat as I can only spend every waking moment thinking about you. My relationships are distracted as I can’t seem to live in the moment of a conversation.
I am saying goodbye for now. I’m sure I will need you again, but today, I am setting a boundary and not letting you cross.
Goodbye, Obsession.