on: Hello Anger

Good evening, Anger, my new friend.

We haven’t known each other for long. For years, I thought it was wrong to be in your presence. To keep company with such an evil feeling. I suppressed you. Turned you away. Ignored your knocking. Fearful of how I might be perceived if I was found to know you. Unsure of how my body would respond to your advances.

Your persistence paid off. After years of you prodding, I decided it was time to let you in. To get to know you. Understand you. Feel you. I must admit, the possibilities frightened me. What might I become? Will I break the law? Lose friends? Hurt myself? Or worse, will I be damned for my sin?

I decided to get a good look at you inside of me. You make heart race. I can feel you pulsating throughout my entire body. My head throbs. My feet tingle. Blood races to each extremity. The palms of my hands are sweating. My throat begins to close. My breathing quickens. Even my eyes blink faster. You have made yourself known.

The reason you have decided to visit perplexes me.

Perhaps you knew I felt threatened. Someone ignored me. Yelled at me. Forgot me. Hurt me. Took advantage of me. Walked over me. Undermined me. Controlled me. Manipulated me. Pitied me.

Or you recounted some form of trauma I had experienced, which was being revisited in a different way now. Even little traumas. You knew my parents divorced when I was young. That I was made fun of on the playground. That I had to to often insert myself into groups of people I didn't know to be accepted. And you chose to show up to help me fight the threat now.

I notice you also come by when shit hits the fan around me. When there is murder. Rape. Injustice. Slavery. War. Poverty. You call me to action with your visit.

Immediately, I know you have come to say hello. My arms, legs, hands, feet, mind, heart – all scream fight. Or freeze. Or flee. I’m not sure how to respond to you, if I’m honest. The feeling is new and unknown.

So far, I have made a couple of mistakes. I have allowed you to fester inside of me. Boiling until the lid popped off. A few people I loved were damaged by you. I let you say whatever you felt. Act however you felt. You were out of control. That didn’t work.

A few times, I have allowed you to overstay your welcome. You rehearsed your mantras repeatedly and became overwhelming to me. Bitterness brewed within and I felt myself not just feeling you, but becoming you. That also, didn’t work.

This visit, I have set my boundaries. You are allowed in. But you will be bridled. You will fuel the flame that brings change in both me and those around me. But you will not become a wildfire that burns down my soul. And you will not destroy the relationships I adore so dearly.

So, Anger, welcome back. I look forward to your visit.