on: Growing Old

My husband’s mum is adamant that she will not let the woes of growing old dominate her conversations. She doesn’t deny the reality of growing old. How her body and mind may feel its effect. But she has chosen not to dwell on it or consume her conversation with it. Instead, she talks to me about gardening. Grandchildren. Shopping. Cooking. Films. Her days are filled with the pursuit of beauty and joy.

I’ve recently feared growing old. Young children becoming teenagers. Achy joints. Sagging skin. Retirement. Purpose. Illness. Death. Morbid fascination about the future. I can’t seem to pinpoint the reason for the fear. Perhaps having ample amount of thinking space during the pandemic lockdown. Or the hours I spend staring out my front window watching elderly men hobbling along with their equally aged dogs. Or over the fence chats with my 86-year-old neighbour. Or maybe the people close to me facing terminal illnesses. All could contribute to my preoccupation about growing old.

In the middle of this fear, I stumbled upon a beacon of hope. A glimmer of joy at the thought of ageing. And that is – freedom.

Miriam Margolyes. I discovered the actress and documentarian on a recent podcast with Louis Theroux. Miriam is in her late seventies. Continuing to work and live in England. Has a female lover living in Europe. And spoke to Louis during lockdown, reflecting about her life and thoughts.

As I listened, freedom filled my thoughts about future. She spoke freely about her sexuality. Freely about her hatred of housework. Freely about her relationships. Freely about her fear of death. Freely about her loneliness. Freely about her history. Her conversation shouted freedom.

The age I am now, at 31, is distinctly less free than Miriam’s. I wonder what people think of me. Care about their opinions. Crave their approval. Much less now than at 18. But my happiness is still very much bound to other people’s expectations.

Here’s to looking forward to growing old. To loving people, without needing love in return. To the pursuit of beauty. The enjoyment of hobbies. To simplicity. To reflection. To a body that carries scars. To a mind that relives decades of memories. To finding authenticity. To wrestling with dissidence.

Dave’s mum puts it simply, “Ageing is unavoidable and will require some adjustments. Maintaining a young, positive outlook is my choice.”

I want to make that choice too. And eagerly await all the benefits of growing old.