on: Fluctuating Emotion
I sure hope others relate to the fluctuating emotions I have felt during lockdown. That I’m not alone on an island of variance.
Moments of peaceful joy.
Reading a new novel nearly every week. Writing and recording music with Dave. Discovering the human heart with Hudson and Isaiah. Observing Jesse as he tucks into his first ice-cream cone. Walking Annie on still mornings. Sunbathing in the garden, my feet sat in the chilled water of a paddling pool. Late night catch ups with one of my dearest friends in the States. Food cooked without rush.
Moments of turbulent trembles.
Waking up through the night to a baby that refuses to sleep. Forcing a daily walk that has become burdensome. Sitting with relational tension. Foraging for a sense of meaning. Embarrassed by a lack of empathy. Nervous to succeed. Fearful to fail. Unsettled by the future. Bored with the present.
These moments sit right next to each other.
Precious memories that have elicited happiness. Contentment. Moments that are unique to this period of completely unrushed, unscheduled time. Life could not get any better. I want to stay in these moments for a lifetime.
Resting beside are the moments of fear, anger, disappointment, and worthlessness. Moments that I want to flee from. To pass. To forget.
I tend to wish away the “bad” moments and invite the “good”. As if the good moments are inherently better. And perhaps they are. They do make me feel happy.
But what if my perspective shifted? What if our perspective shifted? If we decided to view our moments of turbulent trembles as catalysts. Our failures as stepping stones. Our fears as friends. If instead of running from unwelcome emotions, we invited them to teach us. To shape us. And to lead us to moments of peaceful joy.
Our emotions can be frightening, as they cannot be dictated. If we can’t control them, perhaps we should use them. Sit with our emotions. Feel them throughout our body. Become friends with them. And enjoy our very human existence. One of passion, fury, and longing.