on: Emotional Independence
Emotional Independence. Heard of it? I hadn’t, until I listened to Fearne Cotton and Alicia Keys talk about the idea on Happy Place. Alicia (because we are on a first name basis) talked about being able to make decisions by looking within, rather than depending on other people to help sort us out. I listened, nodding my head in agreement. But really, had no idea what I she was talking about. I got home from my walk and listen and started researching the idea.
“Emotional independence is a type of inner resilience that lets you know you can meet, solve, and be with any circumstance you face. It means building your sense of self on your own, without depending on others to make you happy or tell you who you should be. Accepting ourselves and changing unhelpful perceptions and behaviours allows us to find the strength we need to create a personalized sense of inner calm. It empowers us to see ourselves as separate from others and declare independence from circumstances that might once have dictated our moods, behaviours, and ideas about ourselves.” -Psychology Today
Doesn’t that idea sound lovely on paper?
I have spent years becoming familiar with my wide array of emotions. I’m an easy book to read that is happy to tell you all about the inner workings of my soul. High highs. Low lows. That you will clearly see on any given day. You may call that emotional intelligence. An ability to recognise and define your own emotions. I may know my emotions by name, but I certainly don’t always control them.
If you know anything about the Enneagram, you will understand what I mean when I tell you I am a Type 2. A people pleaser of sorts. I love making people feel loved. I love when they reciprocate. I feel happy when people want, agree, and rally with me. I feel defeated when people criticise, ignore, and abandon me. My emotions are often completely dependent on other people. On Dave. My kids. My family. My friends. It isn’t fair on my relationships to carry the weight of keeping me happy. And it is a constant flip flop of emotions for me. I would love to be more emotionally independent. More resilient. Dependent on self. Accept who I am. Find strength within. Be a bit more stable. I have a lot to learn.
And yet, I wonder if it is unhealthy to boast complete emotional independence. What if what is inside is ugly? Selfish? Hurtful? Traumatic? Depressed? Weak? Might depending solely on oneself be detrimental to both your own self and others? Is it more important that you feel “true to yourself” than it is to ensure that others around are safe and protected? Could it lead to blind spots in your character? Hesitancy to ask for help? Loneliness and disconnection? I realise this line of questioning might be shunned in a current culture of self. But they are considerations if you plan to aim for emotional independence.
Surely there must be a balance between total emotional independence and reliance on outward circumstances or people for happiness and well-being. A middle ground where we can recognise our need for other people, whilst not relying on them to solve or fix us. Seems there are a few ways to achieve this balance:
1. Claim our own. We often blame our past or present circumstances, or people, for our behaviours. Whilst there are many influences on why we are the way we are, we need to own up to our choices and behaviours as our own. Take ownership of our lives. One caveat – trauma. If you have been abused at any point, your habits and thoughts and behaviours may be a result of that abuse. In that case, please seek a trustworthy counsellor. Also kisses and hugs to you.
2. Retrain our brains. Dave is always talking to me about neuroplasticity (the ability for our brains to rewire). We are able to teach our brains to think differently! Happiness is a choice that we can make apart from outside forces. It just takes time and persistence.
3. Consider the opinions of the people closest to us. If we let every person dictate how we think and act (as I often do), we will end up as basket cases. But there are certain people whose opinions really do matter. Find those safe people and take their advice into consideration. And let the rest slide off your back.
4. See a therapist. At some point, this is something I want to pursue. To have a third party, objective person to navigate through the murky waters of thoughts and emotions.
If you have thought about emotional independence, or have after reading this, I would love to hear what you think. Please leave a comment or get in touch!
Great thoughts! Something I want to grow in too.