Need To Be The Best
Over the last month, I’ve taken time to reflect on why I’ve been so keen to quit journalism.
If you’ve just started ready these Letters from Lauren, you’ll know I only started writing about two-and-a-half years ago. Since then, I’m constantly reaching the point of burn-out, withdrawing into a corner to recover, and then bursting back into the cycle, getting ready for another round of burn-out.
The obvious answer from so many of my friends and family is to slow down and work in moderation. Pace myself. Wise indeed. But I’ve just not been able to do it. I keep pushing, pushing, pushing. And I haven’t been able to figure out why I can’t stop. It’s almost addictive really.
But I’ve started to take time to get to the heart of the why.
While the money from working lots is helpful, we are lucky enough that I don’t need to work my ass off to survive.
It isn’t even to achieve some personal goal. I don’t have one. Well, one day, I’d love to be an international correspondent, but that’s the only career goal I have. My best mentality really doesn’t come from that.
The why behind why I keep pushing?
I want to be the best.
I’ve always wanted to be the best.
I remember in school and then in university, what compelled me was to be at the top of the class. If I wasn’t, I had failed.
During board games, once I realise I’m not going to win, I check out.
Hobbies? If I can’t perfect them on the first go, I quit trying.
Even in parenting, I feel the constant strain to be the best mother. But obviously can’t quit parenting, so just live in a constant state of guilt that I’m not doing better.
It’s a big weight to carry, this perfectionism that requires best.
In journalism, there is absolutely no way I’ll ever be the best. I was too late for the game. And I’ve got three kids. And my writing skills are sub-par. And I get overwhelmed easily.
I won’t ever be the best. Although the question is, who is the best? What is the best? It’s a ridiculous thing to chase after in the first place. Can you ever truly be the best?
I’m all too aware this way of thinking is incredibly toxic. My negative self-talk is often carrying on in my head, even when to others, it seems I’m doing very well.
It isn’t just me. I think, I know, lots of women feel the pressure to be good at everything. To be the modern woman who succeeds at everything, all the time.
Self-Critical Perfectionism
One psychologist called it self-critical perfectionism - a trait that exhibits itself as an intense desire to be good at everything (i.e. perfect) combined with a heightened sensitivity to other people’s expectations and perceived criticisms if these are not met.
Apparently, it often leads to depression. Gulp.
How to get over it? The answers, as always, are probably not cut and dry, but in doing some research, here is what some leading psychologists think we perfectionists can do.
Recognise it. I’m already on the way to recognising it, one of the first steps in ‘treating’ it. I see it’s a problem. See it needs to be fixed.
Next up, cognitive behavioral therapy (ie. talking to myself). Replacing negative self-talk with realistic self-talk. I don’t exactly what this will look like for me, but from lots of reading, it is taking a step back and analytically assessing the situation. Am I actually crap at this? Do I actually have to be perfect at this, or can I settle with ‘good enough’?
I often think in all-or-nothing, black-or-white ways. Either I give my all, or I quit. Could instead, I use words like ‘okay’, ‘sometimes’, and ‘good enough’, choosing to be kind to myself rather than harsh?
Would I speak to a friend the way I speak to myself? No way! So why do I do it to myself?
The Long Game
If we’re talking about how to get past perfectionism in the long term, an idea I found was to approach the three C’s: clarity, constant learning, and connection.
Clarity: What matters to you over time? What gives you meaning? How can I connect my daily life decision to this?
Constant Learning: Focus on growth, rather than judgment.
“I didn’t speak to my child kindly then. How can I do better next time?”
“That article really didn’t cut it. Is there a way I can improve the next thing I write?”
Connection: Being around people is a lifesaver. It gives perspective, collaboration, and community. People need people to thrive.
My need to be the best is not something I have to keep living up to. But in order to nip it in the bud (is that the phrase?), I’ve got to take time to analyse my thoughts and actively think differently.