Little Miss Perfect
Last week, I asked people on social media to talk to me about work-life balance, because I don’t feel like I have any. I won’t go into the details of all my emotions, because to be honest, I’m still feeling them quite acutely. But I will say that I’ve recently gotten to a place where everything I touch just seems ‘so-so’. Nothing feels like it’s done with excellence, which obviously, everything I do should be perfect, excellent. Work, parenting, house, relationships, health – it just all is half-baked, underdone, and not good enough. Underneath the water, my legs have been furiously kicking, just to stay afloat, but I’m breathless and not moving anywhere.
Seems like a lot of you feel the same, judging by the responses I had back.
Was it the pandemic? The fact life stopped, and then suddenly started back, leaving us lacing up our trainers to run again, after lounging in slippers for so long?
Or maybe it is the age we are at? Not old, not young. Just in the middle, a bit lost?
Then again, it could be we just live in an ever increasingly fast-paced world that demands us all the time, without space to just be. A world we have allowed ourselves to get sucked into, rather than swimming against the tide for space.
Whatever it is, not many of you had answers for me. No quick fixes. No tried-and-true recipes for perfect balance. Because so many of you felt the same, unsure of what the next step should be.
I remembered a podcast I once listened to. I can’t remember the episode, but I think it was an Elizabeth Day, How To Fail podcast. She was talking to a smart person of some sort who talked about the secret the happiness. You must be thinking, oh here we go. Another person who knows how to make you happy, as long as you buy his book to find out about it. Yes, I cynically felt the same.
But the point made was that if you are feeling stressed, potentially unhappy (which doesn’t stress nearly always produce unhappiness), then the solution almost always is to take something away. Adding in is lovely – breathing, movement, sleep, nutrition, relationships – are all important for mental wellbeing. But there is oftentimes something that needs to be subtracted as well if the equation is going to be balanced.
Taking away isn’t easy, actually feels impossible. But taking away is possible, just hard, possibly identity stripping for a bit. Leaves you twirling, not knowing who you are without it.
For me, it is so clearly work. I love working. I love the work I do. But I take on too much, and then crash. And all the other little stressors are magnified, triggered and made worse.
I’ve got things to keep adding in, but I’ve also got to find how much to subtract. I’ve not got my equation balanced yet.
But do you know, the other thing I’ve learned in the form of a song, came just this morning. There is a lovely tune I like to listen to called Be Kind to Yourself. It’s a man singing to his daughter, imploring her to speak to herself kindly, when she wants to do anything except.
How does it end when the war that you're in
Is just you against you against you
Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies too
You can't expect to be perfect
It's a fight you've gotta forfeit
You belong to me whatever you do
So lay down your weapon, darling
Take a deep breath and believe that I love you
Be kind to yourself
When you’re tired. Be kind to yourself.
When you’re lagging behind. Be kind to yourself.
When everything feels too much. Be kind to yourself.
Made mistakes. Be kind to yourself.
Underperformed? Be kind to yourself.
When you aren’t parenting perfectly, working perfectly, friending perfectly.
Be kind.
Take a deep breath. And be kind to yourself.
There’s a start for us.