Is This Crop Top Modest Enough?

Bit of a disclaimer. Body parts will be mentioned, so if this will make you stumble, perhaps don’t read on. (You’ll get the sarcasm of this statement later in this letter - you most defo should read on).

Let’s just start with the crop top I bought at New Look last week. It’s this burgundy wrap thing that comes to right above my belly button. I tried it on, ummed and ahed, and then just bought it. It’s a pretty big deal for me to buy something so quickly, but I had a time limit and couldn’t waste the time.

When I got home, I tried it on again and it exposed so much more than what I remember from when I was in the shop. I considered returning it, but had already taken off the tags and thrown them in the bin. So I was stuck with it.

The next day, I put it on, determined to wear it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to been seen in public actually showing part of my lily white stomach.

When I posted about this on Instagram, so many people got in touch saying, “wear it”. Wear what you want. F*ck the patriarchy. It doesn’t matter what other people think.

I offered up my “yes” and “amen”, but in retrospect, I wonder if it isn’t that clear cut.

Are my modest inclinations patriarchal? Are they rooted in shame and embarrassment? Part of my upbringing? My previous church culture?

You’ll see how this led me on a bit of a rabbit trail, and I’d love to share that trail with you.

Growing up as a little girl, I don’t remember my mom ever upholding modesty as this ideal my sister and I had to meet. I’m not sure I even understood what the word ‘modest’ meant until I was in highschool. I just remember her making sure my boobs and bits were covered. It was a protection thing. “Whatever is under clothing is not for anyone else except you,” mom said (or something along the lines of that).

Then in highschool, we started going to a large evangelical church where we were introduced to the world of modesty. We were told to consult God’s word about when deciding what to wear.

“Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness – with good works.”

From this, and probably a few other verses, we were given a “Modesty Heart Check”, written by the pastor’s wife and her daughters. Here are some excerpts (thanks mom for finding this):

-Does my midriff or underwear show when I bend over or lift my hands?

-If the outline of my underwear shows (on my backside), I know what I have to do!

-As for shorts – I can’t just check them standing up. I need to see how much they reveal when I sit down. If I see too much leg, I need a longer pair.

-If I am wearing a button-down top, I need to turn sideways and move around to see if there are gaping holes that reveal my chest.

-Can I see the lace or seam of my bra through my shirt? In this case, seamless bras are a better option.

All of these questions and more would have followed a heart check. “Her heart will dictate her wardrobe and appearance,” said John MacArthur, a famous pastor who is no stranger to controversy.

All of this was foundational as I was understanding my own body. I never really remember my mom enforcing it (other than she had loosely before – just as a protective measure) – it was a culture I picked up from the women and girls around me in the church.

We were told that if we dressed (or didn’t dress) in a certain way, we would cause boys and men to stumble (see the sarcasm I mentioned at the start?). It was our role to protect them. To guard their hearts. Our bodies exposed were shameful because they caused men to sin.

And that is my background of modesty. So you see why I struggled to wear a crop top.

But there are several religions that also value modesty. Whether it be different Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and so on, it wasn’t just my church that would have taught women to cover up.

So should we tell these religions to go screw themselves?

I don’t think we should so quickly jump to this conclusion, as religion is so entwined in culture.  

In listening to a podcast featuring several women from varying religions, one thing they all mentioned is their own ability to choose what they wear. If a woman wants to wear a hijab, she should have the right to. If she wants to only wear skirts, that desire should be respected. If spaghetti strap tops make her feel uncomfortable, then she shouldn’t be prodded to wear them.

The problem, I think, comes in when people tell her what to wear, ostracising, reprimanding or judging her when she doesn’t comply. This isn’t a choice she has made, but one that has been forced upon her.

I was never forced to wear knee-length shorts in highschool, but if I didn’t I would be gently told off. I assume I would have eventually been cut off from certain social circles because of my rebellion. What if no boys ever wanted to marry me because of my immodesty (a genuine fear I had)? I may not have had my arm twisted to be modest, but there would have been a price to pay for not complying.

However, I return to the topic of culture. Doesn’t every culture have certain things that are and aren’t accepted? Not only what you wear? How you speak, what job you work, what you believe, how much money you make, where you live, what you eat, and so on. Groups form around similar virtues and ideals - is modesty so different than all of these?

Genuinely would be interested to hear how you think it is different.

But then there is the whole aspect of protection of one’s body.

I feel very uncomfortable running in the summer wearing tight short shorts and a skimpy top. Not because I feel ashamed of my body, but because I will 100% get more honks and stares and whistles than if I were wearing loose joggers and a sweatshirt.

When I go out in town (which is practically never so perhaps a crap example), men look me up and down if I’m wearing anything form fitting or revealing. Part of me has to admit I like knowing I’m still desirable. Part of me is disgusted that men can’t control their eyes. Part of me thinks that it’s only natural for men to appreciate beauty (and sex?). Part of me thinks I should go back to my modesty checklist for this very reason.

Women (and I say this after talking to lots) feel we have to protect ourselves from men by covering up. We are tempted to feel it is our fault when a man can’t control his eyes, his hands, his mouth, his penis. And whatever you’ve been told – this is absolutely wrong. Men are responsible for themselves. A woman should not be ever made to think it was her fault that a man couldn’t control himself.

But so often they don’t take that responsibility and it becomes our fault when men stare or touch us when uninvited.

I should have worn the higher neckline. If only my bum hadn’t been so clearly outlined in that dress.

And we haven’t even gotten to young girls. I don’t have girls, so I don’t know how I would broach this issue if I did. Surely, we want to teach young girls to love their bodies – to feel no shame of them. But is there a line to draw when they choose clothing that shows ‘too much’, and if so, what is that line? If guardians are meant to protect children, should one of those protective measures be making sure their clothing choices are not going to attract the gaze and desires of predatory men? Then again, predatory men are predatory men no matter the clothing.

I just don’t have all the answers. I’d love to hear what you think.

But I know this. I wore the crop top yesterday. And wore a coat on top of it to cover my midriff. I’m not entirely sure I feel comfortable wearing it, but am asking myself why. Is it because of my internal modesty checklist? Or because I have a c-section scar? Or because I feel old? Or because I’m afraid of the looks I’ll get? My answers will determine if I wear again or charity shop it.

When push comes to shove, a woman should be able to wear what she wants. Because it’s her body. But unfortunately, I wonder if her choice could reap unwelcome consequences in the world we live in, however wrong that be?

Your thoughts?