Are You Annoyed With Me?
Are you annoyed with me? Have I done anything to offend you? Is everything okay between us? Did I say/text/email something that has upset you?
It’s a series of questions I’m used to asking friends of mine, and my husband.
She didn’t text back. She left pretty abruptly the last time I saw her. She hasn’t been in touch for weeks. Her facial expression looked off when I said that.
And so on.
I noticed this little habit of mine last year when I read an Instagram post by Dr. Nicole LePera on people who try to read other people’s emotions or people who constantly wonder if someone is upset with them. Hands up. That’s me.
After reading it, I started to notice how often I felt people were annoyed, frustrated, angry, and disappointed, with me.
Are you ever caught in the same cycle? When I started to chat with people about this habit (is that what we should call it?), I started to realise it wasn’t just me. Quite a few of you have felt the same.
Where is it from? I think (from reading from other sources) that it’s a mix.
People Pleasers
Wanting to be liked and accepted by others is totally human, and actually, can be quite positive. By developing qualities that let us fit in (kindness, creativity, sensitivity, and so on), we often become better human beings in an effort to belong. For me, I think and hope that wanting to please people has played a small part in why I get on with most people I spend time with.
We live in a society that says people should always accept us just as we are, but I’m not sure how realistic that is in every case. What if a person was rude and lazy at work and their colleagues decided to separate themselves away from that person? Would you say [to that person] that his/her colleagues should just accept him/her the way they are? Or encourage them to make small changes in the way they relate that could lead to acceptance and approval?
We naturally all slightly change ourselves to fit into the culture and people groups we find ourselves living in. It isn’t all bad, I don’t think.
However, there is simply no way we can please everyone, all the time. And the weight of trying to please everyone can feel quite overwhelming. Making sure your boss, neighbours, colleagues, friends, family, person-you-met-in-line-at-the-shop, can feel like, a lot.
We could start to lose our sense of self, fitting into a mould that isn’t our own. Or maybe we compromise our values to appease people who would disagree with our views. Or, we just feel a constant weight heavily holding us down as we feel we are always falling short of expectations.
There has to be a point we say to ourselves – I can’t please everyone.
For example, I wrote something recently that an editor had to edit the heck out of. I didn’t please her. And at first, it crushed me. “I should just throw in the towel. Much better writers are out there. She, and everyone else, clearly thinks I’m crap. Maybe I am.”
But then, I remembered. I can’t please everyone. I may not have pleased her. She may not approve of me. That doesn’t define who I am.
Insecure Attachment Style
This link surprised me a bit, and it is one that Dr. Lepara pointed out in her Instagram post I linked to above.
Quite often, when someone grows up in a home with a parent who is unpredictable, gives the silent treatment, or explodes regularly, they learn to constantly perceive that parent’s emotions. They feel they are walking on eggshells, trying to figure out how that parent is feeling and adjust their behaviour accordingly to not disrupt anything or rock the boat.
That pattern continues into adulthood as we analyse the perceptions and actions of others toward us.
Here’s the thing, we are adults now. And the people around us are adults. We are responsible for communicating our own feelings/issues/problems, and so are the other adults we relate to.
When I understood this, it clicked. I don’t need to constantly feel like someone is annoyed with me. If I’ve done something to annoy/hurt/offend them (without meaning to), they can come to me to express their feelings. I don’t have to constantly wonder or worry about what I’ve done or haven’t done. Said or haven’t said.
Now, in cases I genuinely think I’ve done something harmful, which has happened because I’m only human, I know myself well enough to know I will still be asking.
If I go to that friend, ask, and they respond saying that “nothing is wrong”, I can leave it there and trust this to be truth. Rather than dissecting and disbelieving what I’ve been told.
What if someone has upset me, which does happen because people are only human? Instead of brewing in my own resentment, I can go to the person I have felt hurt by and express that emotion. Not only is that me acting like an emotionally responsible adult, but it’s me giving others permission to do the same with me.
Maybe all of this just seems like a bit of blah blah blah. But it was been a huge revelation for me.
I’d love, honestly love, to hear from you if you have felt like this. What has your experience been like? Where has it stemmed from? Have you done anything about it? Let me know!