Do you remember the last time you felt lost? Driving somewhere you’d never been? Walking in the woods and not being able to figure out which way you came from?
That kind of getting lost is tangible.
But then there is the existential feeling of being lost. When you get stuck and don’t know which way to go to get back to safety, security.
They are very different experiences, but the same unease.
I’ve felt lost for the last three weeks. Okay that really is no time at all when I see it written down. But it feels like a long time. Not lost in the car or in the woods. But lost when it comes to knowing what’s next.
Since the start of the year, I’ve questioned whether or not journalism will be the career path I continue to head down. It’s been a good ride, but I’m not sure I can maintain the stamina to be a freelance journalist as a mother to three young kids who also really misses working with people on a daily basis. But as I’ve reflected on my options, I’m not sure what else to do. Retrain? In what? Take time off? To do what? Get an employed job? How will childcare work then?
I’ve asked myself what I would do if I could do anything, because it feels like an appropriate question. And I couldn’t give you an answer. I don’t really know what I want.
Just feel, lost.
I’m 34. There are decades ahead of me, and yet, I’ve not got a clue how I’m going to fill them. And that feels, scary. Is that melodramatic?
Maybe it’s the mid-life slump. Although, I’m very much still denying that 34 is midlife. Surely, that’s more like 45 these days as life expectancy is so much higher because of medicine and technology.
But I’ve heard from a few friends that feel similarly. Maybe not with work, but with marriage (is he really the one I’m going to spend the next four decades with?) or purpose (I feel like there has got to be more to this).
I haven’t really been sure how to get through the feeling.
Luckily, I’ve not been on Instagram for two weeks. Can we just take a moment and reflect on how social media makes ‘lostness’ even worse? I know that I know that I know if I had been flicking on Instagram over the past few weeks, I would have been an even bigger mess. I would have seen the perfect houses, the perfect holidays, the perfect careers, the perfect skincare, the perfect exercise habits, the perfect families, the perfect bodies, the perfect fashion. I can very rationally say social media is just a snapshot of someone’s life, but when the snapshot of your own life feels muddled, their snapshots seem very much like videos of what their entire lives must be like.
I’m just really glad I’ve been off social media.
What has massively helped this week, even more than not being on social media, has been talking to people older than I am.
On my morning dog walks, I spoke with Eileen. She probably thought I was absolutely nuts for opening up to her, but so be it.
She just replied pensively: “Something will come up. I know it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, but something will.”
She didn’t judge me, dismiss me. But she brought me back to when she was younger. How she felt the same at different points along the way. Eventually, something came up, even if it wasn’t the something she wanted or expected.
Then there was a chat with Louise, a lady whose charity I volunteer with. She told me about a similar time in her life, when she felt lost, and how eventually, she came out of it. Only at 55 does she feel she is doing exactly what she wants to be doing. Along the way, she’s gotten to know herself better through the confusion. Instead of pushing the lostness away, she’s embraced it, allowing it to give her times of reflection.
Then there is Stuart, my neighbour. He stood in my kitchen and told me about how a job he hadn’t trained for just fell in his lap. But after working it for decades, he couldn’t stick it any longer. So he just stopped, not knowing how he would fill his time. But he knew it was the right move. And his time eventually did fill.
This too shall pass was the primary lesson learned from each chat. After each conversation, I left lighter, the weight of my drama lifted by years of experience.
I also went up a mountain before I started work on Tuesday. As I walked up, up, up, the only eyes around me were those of sheep, and adorable baby lambs. As I reached the peak, I looked around at the vastness of, well the mountains. I’m just this blip. This tiny dot. Sure, my life is important and valuable, as all lives are. But my feeling of feeling lost is very insignificant when on top of a mountain, looking around at nothing but endless green grass.
We’re just dots on a mountainside. Here for a little to love as much as we can. So if I’m lost for some of that little, it’s okay.
And do you know, once I accepted the feeling of being lost, I’d even say I have been enjoying it a bit. There is this unknown waiting to be revealed. I won’t find it faster by worrying. And if anything, I’ll miss the moments I’m surrounded by now looking for them.
I’ll just enjoy the place I’m lost in until I find home.
You are not lost just experiencing the pause between. You need this space for your path to emerge. Keep present and act on your intuition. Later in life you will look back and it will all make sense. Focus on what you love doing. Because your heart will lead you on the right path.
At 63 I have learnt this to be true.
Now relax and enjoy the journey!
Loved this. I feel ya xx